Off balance.

Okay, that post might be even more thoughtful and reflective than the recent one’s, but i can’t help it. It may sound strange, but when i write down the things that go through my head all day, whether as a blogpost or just as a note somewhere, i can figuratively close the chapter and devote myself to new thoughts. So even though you don’t get the sense of what i’m writing here, it has some positive and clearing effect for me.

So everyone who is just interested in pictures and impressions of Indonesia, should scroll down or switch to my instagram account… 🙂

Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.

Cesare Pavese

A friend of mine just recently wrote in a mail (about another topic…), that nobody has only a good or a bad life. But everybody has good and bad moments, and life is repetition of it. I dont know why, but these words exactly describe my feelings and impressions i had over the last couple of weeks. I mean, don’t get me wrong! Java, Bali and Komodo have been amazing! I definetly saw some of the most breathtaking landscapes in my life, i did things that pushed my limits and i have met wonderful people. And still (or because of it?) i went undoubtly through a weird phase of exhaustion and insecurity.

I don’t really know how to travel this time. On the one hand, i want to take it easy, chill and let myself drift. On the other hand, i dont want to miss a thing and i dont want to waste my unique time. The asians and backpackers i meet along the way are not necessarily beneficial in that point, as they are often driven as well. Or because they are the same 100%-types when traveling as in their (quitted) jobs. I somehow mess around in between. I struggle. I feel overwhelmed sometimes (both, positive and negative), lost, overstrained, unable to adapt and tired.

And with tired i dont mean necessarily sleepy (which i am always as well, hahaha), rather than being tired of making decicions. But you have to do that all the time! Where to go next? Which place to stay? What to eat for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Which guy to meet with? Hahaha. And then, if things don’t work out the way i want them to (which is the usual case…), i easily get depressed and feel kind of lost. A little something tend to nerve me quickly. Like when you suddenly don’t have a suitable adapter for the socket, but you desperately need it to charge your phone or when they “forgot” to clean up your room during the day. But also “bigger” things, like when they block your creditcard because of abuse, which happened to me right now. I always thought that i am a very patient and laidback person, but i dont feel that at the moment.

I don’t know where that comes from and why it actually appears now all of a sudden… Maybe it is really due to the fact, that Indonesia is located in the Ring of Fire, the major area in the basin of the Pacific Ocean where many earthquakes and volcanic eruptions occur, that all these feelings and personal issues come to light here. Just like lava comes out of a volcano from time to time. Many of the “topics” that i thought were closed forever, have kind of come back up in the past few weeks.

Don’t worry, i wont go into detail (as this actually should be a travel blog in the first place, haha), but it has a lot to do with self-confidence (or rather the lack of it) and my own body-image. I always struggled with being way too skinny. But being surrounded by all that fancy beach bodies makes me insecure somehow in particular.

Or maybe it’s just the people, who intimidate me with their self-confidence.

Or maybe it’s just me, who thinks too much 🙂

Whatever, deep inside i know, that all of this is part of the lifechanging process, that traveling actually is.

So since i don’t want to end it up like a complaint, i just put some nice pictures at the end of the post, which show how beautiful this country is. Or how they say in their tourism slogan: Wonderful Indonesia!